It's inevitable. The dreaded appointment with the dentist. Of course, you don't HAVE to go, but let's be honest, nobody wants their teeth to look like something that missed the trashcan and is currently rotting in a forgotten corner while its repulsive smell is clinging to every available air molecule within reach. Right?
Therefore we put up with the unspeakable physical torture and the mind-numbing mental torment so that we can have pearly whites. That way our smile is inviting and charming, not stomach churning.
That being said, I still HATE going to the dentist for a slew of reasons, but there is one that always catches me by surprise, and here it is.
The dental hygienist. Now the office I go to has an amazing dental hygienist, she cleans my teeth perfectly and is just as awkward as me (which is saying A LOT)! Even though she does her job most wonderfully, there are a few reasons why she is the #1 reason I hate the dentist.
[I have drawn pictures in paint for this blog. They are not meant to be at a picasso level. You have been warned]
1. They are skilled with torture devices.
These aren't even all of their utensils of mass destruction, just their friendly-looking ones.
Have you ever actually looked at their toys on the little stand next to you? It's diabolical. They aren't even preparing for surgery, just a normal cleaning procedure but still they need to use the most horrific tools to accomplish the job. I'm sure all the dental hygienists got together at a conference way back when to come up with these tools. They probably all laughed at mocked their future patients. I don't doubt it.
2. They want to make it awkward.
In this picture I'm bald merely because my attempt to draw a ponytail on the hygienist makes it look like she has a tail on her head. FYI.
I'm quite sure they know 100% how awkward they are. Everyone knows the dreaded moment I speak of. They get all up in your grill, they start to clean your teeth and then BAM. "So everything going well at school?" Now how the heck am I suppose to answer your question when you have a tiny spear in my mouth? So how do I answer? "Whe hiddy ooh". Plus since I already know that there is 0 chance of me actually sounding like an intelligent human being, I end up screaming the phrase hoping by some miracle it makes me sound coherent. It doesn't. At this point I feel like a small pathetic speck of disappointment and they have succeeded in making me sound like an awkward fool. I bet they run off to their friends and tell them how they made someone try and talk while in the chair today. Congratulations. I hate you.
3. They use your mouth as their personal handbag.
Yes I did re-use the picture from earlier.... don't judge.
I am so so so glad they only have two arms. Could you imagine if they had anymore?! They would be flossing, scraping, polishing and examining all at once. No thank you. But that being said, they still try and put everything on their tray of theirs into your mouth. They start scraping, and washing and vacuuming and before you know if they are hanging their tools on the corners of your mouth while they grab another tool to further torment you. Whoa whoa whoa. How about you stop balancing the sharp shiny object near my throat because I would hate to stab myself in the tonsils all because you decided it would be too much work to set the tool down and reach for it later. I hate you.
4. They are over dramatic.
Guess who gave up on trying to draw the x-ray midway through? :)
They take one look at your x-rays and shake their head. "Uh oh! Looks like you've got some cavities starting up! Sigh you need to take better care of your teeth!" SAY WHAT?! Ooh when they say that it makes my blood boil. I take wonderful care of my teeth. How dare you insult me and my 32 pearls! This makes me want to rip off the little napkin and storm out, only to return with a classic example of what disgraceful teeth look like. I'd drag in a meth addict and force them to look into their mouth and explain to me how they could slander my teeth and say I'm not taking care of them. They are lucky to be able to work on my teeth and not having to deal with the atrocities that some people allow their mouth to evolve into. Rant over. I hate them.
4. They betray your trust.
Does my head look big to you?
Even after all the abuse that has occurred I still find myself befriending the hygienist. I start to feel sorry for her. It must be hard to make friends when all you do is torture people hour after hour for 5 days a week. Plus she seems so nice and it's her job after all. A painter can't help but paint, a poet can't help but rhyme, and she can't help but jab people in the mouth all day. I get it. And they seem to so genuinely want to be your friend! So of course I start trusting them, telling them my dental secrets like, "Truth be told... I never floss my teeth!.... Oh sometimes I just chew gum after a meal instead of brushing, heheh don't tell!" Then we giggle and joke around and everything seems to be going swimmingly well. Until Mr. Big-shot walks in, the dentist, and like the brunette in a group of pretty blonde girls she cedes all of your dental secrets right in front of your face. Your thoughts of texting her about the new toothpaste you just bought shatters into a million humiliating pieces and as the dentist starts to reprimand you on the sub par cleaning you've been doing, all you can do is glare at the hygienist and hope she is forever the outcast in her wretched line of work. How am I ever to trust another person again?
That is all. I hate the dental hygienist dentist.
